Few of us like a Monday, but Amebo Pulse does for it
gives him the chance to scratch the underbelly of Naija’s entertainment
industry and laugh at the good, the bad, and the down-right pig-ugly,
from a week brimming with potential victims.
Partriotic Gossip! That’s the mood from last week. We sang and cried
our hearts to the sound of the national anthem, kissed the glorious
Green-White-Green flag with wet lips, and our hearts were heavy with the
weight of what Nigeria had achieved in 14 years of democracy: nothing.
So after feeling very sad, we packed up our selves, hearts and all and
went back to earn our daily bread and butter.
Amebo also went back to his field of gossip, peeping, gathering gist, and presenting it to you on a platter of gossip. Enjoy!
Bentley Bonanza
What is the greatest invention ever made by man? Cars, electricity,
the internet, cellphones, Game of Thrones, or space shuttles? Who cares
anyway? Ahem. For me, the greatest invention ever made was Nollywood.
Yes, putting together the terror squad of
Saint Obi, Jim Iyke-Chan, Segun Scaryinze,
the Ramsey Albinoah,and those crop of greedy singing actors-
Tonto Dikeh my pokolicious love, evil
Patience Uzokwor
(Mama G), and Stella Damasus was the best thing humanity ever did to
itself. I know you all reading this will be scratching your heads and
shaking it like say I wan kill your pastor, or your imam…or your
babalawo, but since, I run this show, you better sit up and accept all I
say as truth because
Amebo is anointed with the talk-talk authority to spread the gospel of gossip. I run this show!
Anyway, still on the invention story, let’s board a Danfo to Lagos,
because all sweet stories come from Lagos. Those guys from the music
scene are at it again. They believe the greatest inventions are cars.
Who can blame their dumbness? When you spend all your time in some
studio where you do nothing but singing trash, smoking expensive
igbo,
getting high on imported kai-kai, and sleeping with anything that moves
and has a hole…(even their dogs). Make una no blame them. I beg una.
So since they think they’re smarter, and have moving priorities, they don dey buy plenty of motor. Recently
Wizkid,
(Banky W’s boyfriend) got a Porsche Panamera, and I was like “excuse
me?” That’s no news. I chose to ignore the cars dem, being content to
eat my Tuwo. Drink my
Kerewa, and drive my
Legedez Benz
. Until last week when some of this people make me know say I never
hammer. 2 Nigerian artistes carry plenty money go buy Private Jets.
Relax, I bin dey play. I meant to say, they both bought
Bentleys. If in case you no sabi wetin Bentley be, lemme
educate you,
dumb. Ahem. Bentleys are Supercars, produced in obodo Oyinbo, and they
are worth in excess of N40m. That should be enough for now.
That short black boy,
M.I wey don become chairman, and
2shotz the short man. 2 short men wey like tall things.
M.I bought his own, made plenty noise sotay, me I vex. 2shotz just shot some photos of his short self and that was it.
Congratulations. Una
do well. But next time, we no wan know. We live in a country where even
Pastors dey buy private jets from the Lord’s Vineyards, and talk more
of Local Government Chairmen. Those ones? Let’s don’t go there. We are
happy for you, but keep your purchases, to you, your family, and your
gateman. Thanks.
Democracy Day? Who E Concern. M.I Again.
Even though I’m like the most courageous man online (it takes
mind to be a
gossiper),
I categorically want to state that I can never die for Nigeria. It’s
sad? I know. I’m unpatriotic? big deal. You dey vex? Hug transformer.
I’m smart? Thank you jare. Chop eye-kles. But one thing I know is that
the last way any one of you would like to see your maker is by catching a
grenade for Naija. Because you go explode into bright tiny pieces,
Nigeria go cry for one day, then the next day, everybody go return to
earning their hustle, and you’ll be missing all the good things of earth
while you’ll be singing in heaven, chilling off in purgatory, screwing
virgins in paradise, or having a hot massage in hell. Whatever works for
what you believe in.
So when democracy day reach again, I no worry myself because no be
today wey we don dey die for better Nigeria. And frankly, Nigeria dey
better small small. And even sef, wetin we dey celebrate when nobody go
cook rice for us, or give us pure water make we use hold throat. I no
send! Leave Nigeria jare make I yarn small gist.
First, let’s do a little classwork. Pick the odd one out:
Nnamdi Azikiwe, Jude Abaga, Tafawa Balewa, Dele Giwa, Moshood Abiola.
If you didn’t get the answer, then my friend, you are not a Nigerian,
and God is watching you. Just pack your bags, your bombs and your
ammunition and kindly leave my country. Thanks for your cooperation. Any
true Naija pikin go choose Jude Abaga, because the rest are national
heroes who lived and died for the country, while
M.I is a national
Chairman who sing and rap for the country…and buy Bentley too.
On democracy day, while everybody dey mind their business, leaving
Mama Nigeria to chop the national cake alone, M.I no gree leave us to
rest. He decided to toy with activism. Maybe the guy think say we wan
start
Occupy Democracy, so he decided to come earn himself an assassination with his own forum for national matters. He titled it;
‘Talk About It-The MADC (miabaga.com) Campaign For A Better Nigeria’. Where he invited angry youths to come talk their mind. But then the youths no send. No be Democracy they make them
para. Na brokenness dey disturb them.
So M.I, take your time o. Concentrate on your ajebutter rap and new
toys. Leave activism for activists. You are a rapper, not a politician.
But if for any reason you feel guilty that you’re making too much money,
and you want to do something for Nigeria, then politics is not the way.
Instead, just like Papilo
Kanu Nwankwo did with his heart foundation, open
The Jude Abaga Height Foundation,
where short people in Nigeria can go and receive counseling to help
them deal with the stigma of lacking a few centimeters. Thank You.
Laughing Legacy!
Let me announce to you all that I love books. I have read over a
thousand books and still counting. I started with Porn Magazines, and
moved up the decency-ladder to angry preachers, hungrily reading my way
through everything in black and white, black and brown, and grey and
brown. So it is with great authority that I can say that I am the
smartest gossiper alive. Or I’m just a dumb braggart. But remember I run
this show, and if you’ve read this column up to this point, then you’re
in love with my way of
gisting, which is a very sick way of writing. Hmmm! We both need help. Professional help.
Back to the matter. Of all the books I read, the best are the
Biographies and autobiographies. Again, I’ll condescend to say that
these are stories of the life of great men, written to compell, inspire
and motivate you. Bill Gates has one, Cristiano Ronaldo has one, Nelson
Mandela has one, and I think Wole Soyinka will soon have one too. But
then we live in a country where greatness is defined by the size of your
bank account, and your popularity. So anybody with some change can go
right out and write or hire some poor talent, maybe their village
headmaster to write for them. So it came as no surprise when Nigeria
comedians, after exhausting all the jokes they can come up with, or
recycle, they have decided to start creating records of their life.
Julius Agwu has released his own book,
AY is set to follow, and next, I think
Ali Baba will join in.
I just hope it’s not a new business venture because these books are
supposed to motivate and inspire us. But since the comedians are writing
it, I think their selling points will be their jokes. Instead of just
inspiring you, these books will make you laugh too. They will be a
Laugh-spiration to us all. So let’s all buy these books, and read.
I have recommended, and since you now love me so much, obey my order!
Peep Shot Of The Week
Terry G And his son having some quality time together
We all know the madman that
Terry G is. In fact his madness is free. This one wey the boy eye dey shine like that, you sure say the boy no dey bathe with
Alomo? Quote me anywhere, the first full sentence that boy will ever make in his life will be: “
Daddy, Pass me the Ganja, make I knack mummy Akpako”.
